I was BIG M.A.D.

What it do fellow So Journers? I’m telling on myself.. YALL READY 👀👀

Like to hear it. Here it GO!

Let’s start by saying I'm so much better. No like REALLY!!! Now outside looking in I probably always look like I'm good, other than when i share that I'm not. Life hasn’t stopped moving and i never stopped building. But a couple of weeks ago i found out how normal I was.

I found out I was normal.

There are 5 stages of grief that are generally taught. Anger is one of those 5 stages. So i hadn't really been able to identify myself as being angry. Not having moments of when i was angry. I had an idea of what ANGRY looked like… and I wasn’t it.

I'm not yelling. I'm not lashing out. Not throwing and breaking things. Not violent. I don’t feel angry. Not having tantrums! You KNOW. “I’m GOOD”, is what i said to myself.

July came with lots of TRANSITIONS. LOT’S! My transition included lots of widow work. The widow work that I was avoiding, just about negligent of was vital. On the brink of being overcome by it. Widow work is hard and grievous in the most repetitive way.

Having to continue explaining. Hi my name is so and so, My husband was…. He passed away on …. Im calling to ….. WHO WANTS TO DO THAT!!!????

But I was doing the work. I was leaning into it. Swallowing the hard pill and handling business. I was feeling proud of myself for catching up and handling business. I made a call to mommy and i didnt like her response….. And i YELLED AT HER..

What does MY anger look like?

Yep! I YELLED AT MY MOM!! She was just being herself and that was not good for me in the moment. For the record im just about,EXACLTY like my MOM!! If you know us personally, you know i'm not lying. 🤣🤣

In that moment I realized how human I was. I was already feeling like a failure for not having been on top of the widow work and I just wanted some acknowledgment. A good job, encouragement to keep on working, or how are you feeling about your progress. Affirmations and a little bit of cheerleading.

So I DONT like resistance. When I actually do present something to ANYONE, it's mostly formed, close to a finished product and i'm proud of it. I have an expectation of what I want your response to be….. Affirmations and bit of cheerleading. I like feedback to but after the ABC’s- Affirmations and Bit of Cheerleading. YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME AFTER….. Some affirmations and bit of cheerleading.

But honey, if you bounce back with something other than that…. Talking about seeing yourself!! I get irritated, frustrated, start talking fast, re-explaining and ALL!! Its very clear that I’m aggravated but i had never had the eyes to see myself before. Well…. CATS OUT THE BAG!! I have been EXPOSED.

What did mommy do??

Yall…My momma was at my house by the afternoon!!! She came in with scripture, soaking music for prayer, anointing oil and FLAGS!. FYI - We are Christ Followers. LMBO clearly something was wrong and mommy was on DUTY!!

Now in that conversation that i yelled at my mom… my volume was WRONG, but my expression of my needs were clear. I didnt need anyone to tell me what to do, I needed someone to come help me do it. I was overwhelmed and grieving but still trying my best! The human in me needed a pat on the back.

I still mark that day as a great day. We got to sit down. I was able to express some of my more vulnerabilities, own the fact i I needed more help and communicate what that help needed to look like. Truly who can tell someone how to help you better than you! Thats so big.

My biggest take aways!!

1. See yourself

2. Recognize your needs

3. Practice expressing your needs

4. Allow room for people to help you( they are going to ask)

5. Tell them what YOU have practiced(as it fits.)

YALL its hard out here!! This human stuff!! GEEZ. But its okay, we’re committed to the work!!

Dont’ stop moving forward.

Love you BIG.

S/O to my mom for not slaying me but slaying the parts of this journey that was trying to overwhelm me. #MommysOnDuty

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